The Commitment Suck

I’ve been there.

In love, infatuated with love—believing, at just eighteen, that the long, narrow path of “forever” was ready to be walked. Eighteen: the most naive age to assume marriage is the next logical step. But here’s the truth—anything under thirty is rarely the right time to tie yourself to someone for life... unless you are genuinely and consistently fulfilled by that person, and I mean over the course of your entire life.

From infancy through eighteen, we’re under our parents' control. Then, for most, come the next four years of independence—college, work, or just learning to live outside our parents' rules. And yet, even then, we’re still unpacking the flawed lessons we inherited, thinking we suddenly know better at the so-called “adult” age of nothing.

Then we meet someone. We fall madly in love. We become obsessed. But our brains—specifically our frontal lobes—aren’t even fully developed yet. That’s the part responsible for rational decision-making. Instead, we’re making lifelong commitments based on fairy tale notions sold to us by Disney: Prince Charming will come and save us, and that must mean he’s “the one.”

So now we’re locked down again—not by parents this time, but by a partner. Bound by a legal contract that says what’s yours is his and what’s his is yours. Romantic? Maybe. Until the babies come—before we’ve even had the time or maturity to figure out who we really are. And then, suddenly, you’re a mom of three, stuck in a marriage that might feel more suffocating than supportive, wondering, What happened to me?

This is often the awakening that hits women in their thirties. The realization that they’ve never truly lived for themselves. They went straight from the control of their parents to the expectations of a spouse, never pausing to explore their own independence. Their own goals. Their own ambition.

Marriage at a young age derails that self-discovery. Unless you’re one of the lucky few whose spouse actively encourages your growth, your dreams, and not just expects a clean kitchen, you can easily find yourself caught in a cycle. One where you never had the chance to define life on your terms.

That’s why I tell my boys: don’t rush into marriage. Take your time. Go to college. Start a career. Build something for yourself—invest in you—before committing to a shared life with someone else. Because what if, ten years in, you realize that version of love and partnership no longer fits who you’ve become?

Many people who marry young only begin discovering themselves in their thirties or forties. They realize the type of partner they once found attractive no longer aligns with who they are. Maybe being with the same person forever isn’t as fulfilling as they imagined. Maybe now they truly understand their worth—and their needs.

And that’s okay. It’s a normal part of growth. Some people manage to rediscover themselves within the marriage and make it work. Others take separate paths. Neither is failure—it’s just life evolving.

The point is this: don’t start real life too young. And don’t wait until it’s too late to start living it for yourself.